It's been a long, long time since I've written and I'm so sorry for that. Unfortunately life has become an even greater struggle in the last few months. My health has been swiftly declining which has caused problems with school and money in addition to the struggle that health problems naturally impose. At this point, it doesn't seem that I will be able to stay in Philly next year.
Being faced with the decision to leave, in addition to all of the other challenges, has brought a slew of emotions and lots to process. I've been sad and angry and I've had a number of questions about calling, but rather than talk about all of that I'd rather share what I've been learning over the last few months.
Around mid-May I found myself becoming overwhelmed by the amount of questions I had for the Lord about my situation, so I decided to write them all down and commit to praying over those questions for 40 days. Around the same time, God led me to a passage in Ezekiel 47. In Ezekiel 47, God has just shown Ezekiel his plans for the new temple. After Ezekiel measures all of the dimensions of the temple, he goes outside to find a stream flowing out from the temple. The stream flows through the desert, getting bigger and bigger until it ends up flowing into the Dead Sea where it brings life to all that was once dead. Fish begin to live in the water and trees begin to grow up along the banks. As Ezekiel walks along this river, the Angel that is with him asks him to walk through the stream at varying points; first at his ankles, then his knees, then his waist, and then at a point that is too difficult for anyone to cross.
My question about this story was and is, why did Ezekiel need to get in? This story paints a beautiful picture without Ezekiel ever needing to enter the stream. We can easily see the story of redemption and bringing life to that which was dead from our position on the bank. This has been one of the many questions that I've been praying over for the last month. While I don't have any answers, I certainly have some thoughts.
My first thought about this passage is that walking through the water is both a struggle and life giving. I know that I for one desire to put my experiences into one of those categories, but it is difficult for me to wrap my mind around my experiences being both. I don't think it was easy for Ezekiel to get into a river and navigate his way through with so many unknowns. At the same time, he was completely immersed in life-giving water. After the fact, I wonder how energizing it must have been for him to walk through a stream that he realized was straight from God and created for the sole purpose of giving life to that which was dead.
It's poignant to me how often suffering is discussed in scripture and in such a positive way. It has become my new understanding that many times the only way to fully receive that which gives life is to move through the struggle. I don't really like the idea that God may work like that, but the more I meditate on scripture and the more I move through my own experiences, the more those things are affirmed.
The second image that has been helpful to me as I move through the struggle is the image of someone struggling to move forward under the weight of a heavy burden. As they struggle to move forward they find themselves bending lower and lower to the ground, until eventually their knees give way and they find themselves bowing under the weight. What I find profound about this image is that when people in scripture truly encounter God's glory, they assume a very similar posture in which their knees give way and they find themselves bowing. These are two very different circumstances, but I find it telling that the posture is the same in the end. There is something to be said for being brought down to the point where our only option is to be aware of our desperation and look up.
I think what allows for our struggle to become worshipful much like encountering God's glory is when we are able to recognize the character of God whom we are bowing toward. When we are brought to our knees from encountering God's glory, we are completely awed by the magnificence and holiness and goodness of God. The thing is, God is just as magnificent and holy and good when we're brought to our knees in our struggle, we just need to become aware and assume the appropriate posture.
Neither of these images have necessarily made my struggle easier these last few weeks, but they have certainly reminded me of my need for God and who He is and what he promises to me. There have been few times in my life when I've been quite as aware of my need for God and my need for prayers. Thank you all for your support and prayers even when life is difficult. Thank you for choosing to intercede on my behalf and also find reasons to rejoice.
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