3 Reasons Why You Should Come to Philly for Spring Break

  For the 5th year in a row a group of people from State College are heading to Philly for Spring Break.  The plan is to love, serve, and pray for the city in hopes that it would be transformed and that we would be transformed.  If you have not gone, are not sure, or need some convincing, here are my top 3 reasons why you should say yes to the trip:

1.  Serving is one way that we honor and glorify God.  "Christ has no body on earth by yours, no hands but yours, no feet but yours.  Yours are the eyes through which Christ's compassion for the world is to look out; yours are the feet with which He is to go about doing good; and yours are the hands with which He is to bless us now." - Saint Teresa of Avila  

Christ does not love us because of how we serve Him or how we serve others.  There is nothing we can do to earn his favor.  That being said there is nothing like stepping into what Christ is already doing.  When we become the hands and feet of Jesus, we begin to understand the depth of his love in new ways.  Change happens in our hearts when we lay down our own concerns and pick up his.

2.  You get to be a part of God's redemption in the city of Philadelphia!  What you heard about Philly likely doesn't scream redemption.  You have probably heard more about the murder rate than you have about the number of church plants.  Regardless of what you heard, Philadelphia is not a city that has been forgotten by God.  In fact, before Philadelphia was even established, William Penn spoke this prayer over the city:

"And Thou Philadelphia the virgin settlement of this province named before thou wert born, what care, what service, what travail have there been to bring thee forth and preserve thee from such as would abuse and defile thee. O that thou mayest be kept from the evil that would overwhelm thee, that faithful to the God of thy mercies in the life of righteousness, thou mayest be preserved to the end. My soul prays to God for thee that thou mayest stand in the day of trial, that thy children may be blest of the Lord and thy people saved by His power."

This prayer is still cemented to the walls of City Hall and we serve a God who hears us and answers our prayers.  There is no knowing how many people have implored that God would save the people by his power, but I believe that God will come through.  Each year when we go to Philly we get to glimpse the small ways that God is moving.  He moves through people, through neighborhoods, through churches, and ultimately through prayer.  Every year I walk away amazed at the powerful and redemptive God we serve.

3.  We get to be a part of a multi-generational church model.  There is nothing quite like serving with a broad spectrum of believers.  God puts us in communities to show us how to lead and to learn form those who have walked a little bit ahead of us. We get to see the journey as it really is and learn from the wisdom of those who have walked the path we are walking.  We also get to see the truest picture of the body of Christ as we each come with a variety of strengths and weaknesses. Psalm 145:4 declares, “One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.”

  I hope that you consider coming.  Please contact me at katy.stubanas@gmail.com with interest or questions.

Go and Do Likewise

A little while ago I was walking home from a friend's house along Chestnut Street. I hardly ever walk home on Chestnut Street because it's a little bit sketchier, a little less populated, and less interesting scenery, but I guess I decided to try something different for a change.

Unfortunately once I hit 39th Street my stomach pain started.

By 40th Street I declined my dinner invitation.

At 41st Street I was walking at a snail's pace and holding on tight to the fences.

When I hit 42nd Street I collapsed.

There was no one around and nowhere to go, so I crawled over to a porch at the human services building and laid there looking across the street at the shelter where we have volunteered on several occasions, but with no way to get there.

At this point people started to walk by, but if you've experienced any of my waves of sickness, I can't project my voice when I don't feel well (and I'll spare you the details of what might happen if I were to try). I couldn't call out loudly enough to people for anyone to stop. Some people looked at me, but most walked by, including the human service workers who were coming and going from work.

Finally this one rather destitute woman approached me and asked if I was ok.

I shook my head and started to cry.

Then she asked me if I need a dollar.

I was a little appalled and again said no, so she shrugged and walked away.

This woman was the only person who addressed me while I laid on that porch looking miserable. In that moment I was reminded of my last interaction with a homeless person several days earlier. This woman named Donna approached me on the street near Penn asking for a bus token. Fortunately I had just purchased another round of tokens and was able to give her as many as she needed. During my interaction with this woman, what came to mind and what I needed to share with her was this: "God provides, especially when we're at our most desperate."

Laying on the street not only did those words speak to me in a totally new way, but I was struck by the people God uses to do the providing. If I'm to be embarrassingly honest, I rarely give anything to the homeless people I see regularly. In fact, like most people around here, I often pretend I don't hear them asking and walk away while avoiding eye contact at all costs. (I would like to point out that I also do that to any person holding what appears to be a petition). What moved me to give Donna those tokens that day was most of all the Holy Spirit, but a little bit of it was the fact that I was myself in the middle of crisis mode and at my absolute whit's end and for one of the first times in my life I could truly see myself in this woman's actual shoes. For the first time in my life it didn't seem absurd that I too might find myself completely out of options and trying to navigate my own way through the shelter system and making steps toward public assistance.

What struck me about the only woman who stopped for me on the street was that she didn't have anything to offer me, but she offered because she knew what it was to be where I sat. She looked at me and she saw me and she knew me and she extended her hand. I bet...scratch that...I know that that's how Jesus looked at people. He looks at us like he really sees us and he really knows what it is to sit where we sit, and I think that's what made him so effective at drawing others to himself.

After that, I hope from here forward that I choose to be like the good Samaritan, not because I'm a good person, but because I know what it is to be out of options and how beautiful it is to look into the eyes of someone who knows.

Hope Does Not Put Us To Shame

It's been a long, long time since I've written and I'm so sorry for that. Unfortunately life has become an even greater struggle in the last few months. My health has been swiftly declining which has caused problems with school and money in addition to the struggle that health problems naturally impose. At this point, it doesn't seem that I will be able to stay in Philly next year.

Being faced with the decision to leave, in addition to all of the other challenges, has brought a slew of emotions and lots to process. I've been sad and angry and I've had a number of questions about calling, but rather than talk about all of that I'd rather share what I've been learning over the last few months.

Around mid-May I found myself becoming overwhelmed by the amount of questions I had for the Lord about my situation, so I decided to write them all down and commit to praying over those questions for 40 days. Around the same time, God led me to a passage in Ezekiel 47. In Ezekiel 47, God has just shown Ezekiel his plans for the new temple. After Ezekiel measures all of the dimensions of the temple, he goes outside to find a stream flowing out from the temple. The stream flows through the desert, getting bigger and bigger until it ends up flowing into the Dead Sea where it brings life to all that was once dead. Fish begin to live in the water and trees begin to grow up along the banks. As Ezekiel walks along this river, the Angel that is with him asks him to walk through the stream at varying points; first at his ankles, then his knees, then his waist, and then at a point that is too difficult for anyone to cross.

My question about this story was and is, why did Ezekiel need to get in? This story paints a beautiful picture without Ezekiel ever needing to enter the stream. We can easily see the story of redemption and bringing life to that which was dead from our position on the bank. This has been one of the many questions that I've been praying over for the last month. While I don't have any answers, I certainly have some thoughts.

My first thought about this passage is that walking through the water is both a struggle and life giving. I know that I for one desire to put my experiences into one of those categories, but it is difficult for me to wrap my mind around my experiences being both. I don't think it was easy for Ezekiel to get into a river and navigate his way through with so many unknowns. At the same time, he was completely immersed in life-giving water. After the fact, I wonder how energizing it must have been for him to walk through a stream that he realized was straight from God and created for the sole purpose of giving life to that which was dead.

It's poignant to me how often suffering is discussed in scripture and in such a positive way. It has become my new understanding that many times the only way to fully receive that which gives life is to move through the struggle. I don't really like the idea that God may work like that, but the more I meditate on scripture and the more I move through my own experiences, the more those things are affirmed.

The second image that has been helpful to me as I move through the struggle is the image of someone struggling to move forward under the weight of a heavy burden. As they struggle to move forward they find themselves bending lower and lower to the ground, until eventually their knees give way and they find themselves bowing under the weight. What I find profound about this image is that when people in scripture truly encounter God's glory, they assume a very similar posture in which their knees give way and they find themselves bowing. These are two very different circumstances, but I find it telling that the posture is the same in the end. There is something to be said for being brought down to the point where our only option is to be aware of our desperation and look up.

I think what allows for our struggle to become worshipful much like encountering God's glory is when we are able to recognize the character of God whom we are bowing toward. When we are brought to our knees from encountering God's glory, we are completely awed by the magnificence and holiness and goodness of God. The thing is, God is just as magnificent and holy and good when we're brought to our knees in our struggle, we just need to become aware and assume the appropriate posture.

Neither of these images have necessarily made my struggle easier these last few weeks, but they have certainly reminded me of my need for God and who He is and what he promises to me. There have been few times in my life when I've been quite as aware of my need for God and my need for prayers. Thank you all for your support and prayers even when life is difficult. Thank you for choosing to intercede on my behalf and also find reasons to rejoice.

Observer vs. Participant

This week a friend of mine came to town to visit, so we decided to head down to one of the PIFA events at the Kimmel Center. It was such an incredibly beautiful day. We walked by countless tulips, hyacinths, and daisies, but best of all the pear and cherry trees were all in bloom. The cherry trees are starting to lose their petals and are making these piles of pink all over the sidewalks. As we were walking we saw a bunch of teens skateboarding and picking up these piles of pink petals and throwing them at each other like snowballs. There were also several of the once abandoned and overgrown lots that have been reclaimed by nonprofits in the area. Those once trash filled lots are now mowed and filled with community gardens. It was all a beautiful picture of new life and I'll be honest in saying it came as a shock. I didn't even realize it was happening, but I think at some point in the last few months I'd lost some hope. It was as if all of the life happening around me, and all of the reclaimed spaces was a much-needed reminder that God is always in the process of redeeming his people and his cities regardless of what I'm up to.

I pondered this for a while, while I went to the storytelling event with my friend. Almost every story shared had to do with a time when that person felt excluded from a group that they felt that they should be included in. Walking home from the theater we walked down Broad Street, or “The Avenue of the Arts.” It's a beautiful place to be at night because Just in front of you is City Hall and the tall buildings on either side of the street are lighted with colored lights that shine upwards and illuminate the outside of the whole building. It's like walking down a colorful corridor that is so full of life. I remember driving down Broad Street as a kid and loving it. I couldn't stop looking out the windows and wondering what was happening on those lively streets. So then it dawned on me, I'm not looking at Philly from behind the windows of a car anymore. This is my home now and I get to participate in all that's happening on the busy streets. Not only do I get to participate, I am in the process of participating.

So then I thought about this; how often do we exclude ourselves? How many times to we look at a group of people and think of all the reasons why they are not like us, or why we don't fit in with them, when really we're already part of "them?" I think far to often it is easy to observe and forget that we are currently playing a role whether we are aware of it or not. My actions, everything I do or say, as an impact on the way that others will respond around me. I participated in an acting seminar once as a middle school student and one of the tidbits that stuck with me was that acting is only 10% action and 90% reaction, just like life. My environment has an impact on me, but I also have an impact on my environment. It's made me take a more serious look at myself and ask the question, how often am I considering myself an observer and not seeing myself as the participant that I am? Another thing that stood out to me is that I am a participant whether I am conscious of it or not and whether I'm pleased with my participation. It's easy for me to start a new initiative or go out and serve in the city and see the ways that I am participating, but what do I do with the times when I'm just walking down the street, or just sitting on my porch?

I guess I have to admit that I'm not too proud of my participation grade lately. I let my health take me out of the picture. I've let life happen around me without taking part in a meaningful way. I know that God hasn't called me to do much, but he's definitely called me to prayer. He's definitely called me to love my neighbors and called me to seek Him in this city. I've been so self focused that I haven't done much of anything. As you pray for Philly this week it would be great if you could pray against discouragement, but also give thanks for the things that God is already doing here. A number of groups are actively trying to reclaim abandoned city space for good. It's encouraging to see the ways that so many people are moving to the city with hope for restoration whether they are Christians or not. That vision has encouraged me and pulled me out of my funk, so I know it's possible that hope is happening for others as well.

Perseverance

I hate to sound all woe-is-me in this post, but I’ve been thinking a lot about suffering lately. In case you don’t know anything about my story, let me fill you in a little bit. The summer after I graduated from high school I started struggling with stomach problems (pain, nausea, vomiting, etc.). I struggled with these things for 8 years and they got increasingly worse until finally, last year (February 1, 2010) I had a surgery where they happened to find the problem by chance, fix it, and told me I would never be sick again. That probably counts as the happiest moment of my life and it led to a lot of rejoicing and praising Jesus.

Now, one year later, I’m back to struggling with the same symptoms. There have been more Emergency Room visits, more medication, more doctors telling me they don’t know what to do for me. I know that there are worse things and that everything else in my life is really good almost all of the time, but I’ve had a hard time in these last few weeks not being depressed and really really angry. The question that pervades is always the why. Why did this happen, and why did I need a year to be healthy just to go back to being sick? In a way it feels like it would have been easier to just be sick straight through.

So like I said, I’ve been thinking a lot about suffering and this is what I’ve come up with:

1) God does not see things the way that we see things. I talked about this in an earlier post, but I found this great Anne Lamott quote in the mean time. “…I remembered the seasonal showers in the desert, how potholes in the rocks fill up with rain. When you look later, there are already frogs in the water, the brine shrimp reproducing, like commas doing the Macarena; and it seems, but only seems, that you went from parched to overflow in the blink of an eye.”

2) I’m beginning to think that God’s ideal place for us is when we are pushed to the very limit of ourselves. I know for me that being sick and not being able to do much of anything on my own strength has forced me to look hard at my brokenness. It’s an ugly sight, and often more than I can bare, but I know that at the very end of me I find Christ, which is more beautiful than all of my uglies and everyone else’s uglies put together. There is this great Rumi poem called “The Root of the Root of Your Self” and one of the stanzas goes like this: “Don’t go away, come near./ Don’t be faithless, be faithful./ Find the antidote in the venom./ Come, return to the root of the root of your Self.”

The other thing about being pushed to your very limit is that you are no longer looking up and forward with a skip and a whistle, instead you look down at your feet and push hard to take the next step. The most major change I remember about going from sick to healthy was that my perspective totally changed and for the first time in years I was able to think long-term and set long-term goals. I was terrified to go back to the place where I could only see as far as tomorrow, but here I am. One thing I realized is that I think that being shortsighted is exactly where God intends me to be. When I’m looking down, I see an awful lot of flowers.

3) The last thing that I’m learning is about perseverance. I don’t know how everyone else responds to struggle, but my favorite defense is to numb out. If I’m ignoring the problem and pretending it’s not there, it may not go away, but at least there is some temporary relief. I’ve found this to be incredibly unhealthy. What I’ve learned is that when I’m stretched to my absolute end and I’m ready to give up and numb out, the Lord calls me to just keep my eyes on him for a little longer and he gives me (and you) lots of promises that he will be faithful to that. The best part about this is that I don’t have to do anything besides keep my eyes in the Lord’s direction. Let me point out that I am still incredibly bad at this, but at least I’ve figured out what I’m supposed to do. I feel like knowing that has brought a lot more meaning to this Roman’s passage for me:

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into the grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Now only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.” Romans 5: 1-6

Suffering produces perseverance because at some point we have to learn to keep looking toward Christ, and if we don’t, we’ve already lost. The best part is that God promises to be faithful and that if we keep looking, he’ll rescue us…“at just the right time.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Israelites being stuck in the dessert and sinning again at every turn. I’ve become incredibly aware that I would do the same in that circumstance. When I was younger I would have liked to think that I would have chosen better, but the reality of life has showed me that I never choose better. What I’ve also learned though is that it’s in the struggle that we find Christ. The Israelites may have sinned to the point that they didn’t even get to glimpse the Promised Land, but I guarantee that they saw more of God in the clouds of fire, the parting of the sea, and the manna from heaven, than their descendants found in really large grapes.

As I think through this God-prompted perspective change, I’m wondering a lot about what that means for my time in Philly. I think my expectation was (and still is) that God called me here to do something that will produce results. I don’t know if that means that I will ever see results or even that I will do anything productive here. I’ve been wondering if God has just called me and others to walk in Philly through this part of the struggle, because through struggling we will eventually find hope for this place. Please pray for my city and Pray that God’s will be done here and that his glory be revealed here.

This Little Light of Mine

Lately I’ve been inspired by these images of nerve cells and how these images parallel our lives in community with one another. The way that this image speaks to me is very difficult to explain with words, but I will do my best. Here is how it works.

1. Each ball of light stands for a Christ follower. The reason that the ball is illuminated is because that person knows Jesus, hence the light.

2. Each person is connected to other people. Each of those spindles stands for a relationship. We have the opportunity to share our light with others, or share our darkness with others, whichever we choose. We usually share out of what we have.

3. Each person’s strongest connection is to Christ. Christ has a connection with everyone, regardless of if they choose to follow him or not. By choosing to be open to that connection, he can make our light shine brighter.

4. We choose what we allow in. Anyone can try to share any numberofthings, but it is our choice whether or not to receive it. Someone can try to share light with you and if you receive it, you may shine brighter. Someone can try to share darkness with you and if you choose to receive it, you may shine more dimly. You get to choose what you let in.

5. God has the trump card. God works all things together for the good of those who love him. Basically, he can overwrite by turning darkness into light whenever and wherever he wants. We do, however, serve a very gracious God who gives us the choice.
If I picture this image in terms of my community, I can say that a number of things are true.

1. I will shine brighter when more people are sharing their

light with me. I will shine more dimly when people who don’t have a light surround me. I need to

remember that when the Lord sends me into dark places that I need to rely on my community for support, and also to remember that I always have access to Christ, through prayer and scriptures, which will always brighten my light.

2. Satan will try to confuse me. I can choose what I want to let in. There are ple

nty of days when I get confused and welcome in the wrong thing and before I know it I’m shinning pretty dimly. I can guard against that by staying connected to Christ and other believers who pour into me.

3. Satan will try to get in the way of our connections with each other. Satan doesn’t like the way that we spur each other on, so he will interrupt through miscommunication, pride, and whatever strategy he can to break the connection we have to each other

and more light.

4. The more believers who are connected, the brighter everyone is shining. When I’m in community with believers who are constantly tapping into their access to Christ (the light of the world) I’m going to benefit because they will be sending more light my way. If I have more light coming in, I have more to share.

5. Everyone’s job is important. Each person’s relationships with Christ and with each other ultimately impact me because they ultimately impact how much light is being shared. Some people may have the role of building up the body. Some people may be on the fringes and connected with a number of non-believers and people with dim lights to share. Regardless, when any one light goes out or dims, the entire picture is impacted. The more all of us are staying connected to Christ, the more the entire community benefits.

Hopefully you are still with me after the extended metaphor. The reason I shared that is because I realized some things after this last weekend of service. It made a huge difference walking into dark places while being surrounded by a community of believers. There is no way that I could walk into the places in which we served entirely on my own for two reasons: 1) I am a product of my community and so much of who I am has been formed by their nurturance and 2) My light alone is not strong enough to pour into vast darkness. I found myself walking out of our service weekend being thankful, yet again, for my fellow believers who continue to inspire me.

I’ve also been spending a lot of time thinking about the idea of community among churches. I’ve recently come across a number of other people who have a similar vision, which is so exciting! My hope is that just as we look at the way each individual contributes toward the whole body, we can also look at how each church contributes toward the whole body. Each church, just like an individual, has a unique set of gifts and fills a unique and important role. Just like an individual, it is important for a church to be connected to the larger body of believers so that others can be praying and supporting each church.

Some friends and I in Philly plan to start a newsletter in order to support this vision. The newsletter would go to members of congregations across Philadelphia. Each newsletter would highlight a church, a God story, a ministry or two, and a section of the city. Hopefully the newsletter would allow people to see what other churches are doing and what other churches are celebrating. Hopefully it would inspire us to all pray for one another, be aware of the ministries that other churches are doing well, and connect believers to churches that would be the best fit for them.

Original ideas like this usually change and adapt, so we will see how it goes. Please pray over this idea that God would continue to be clear about his direction. Pray for the churches that we will be approaching that they would be receptive. Pray that all of this would be used to glorify God.

Love in Dry Places

My biggest and most important prayer over the next few days is that I want to see from God's perspective.

These last few weeks have been difficult and a number of big things have happened. I've been struggling with sickness, I traveled to Los Angeles to visit with a dear friend, the Lenten season started on Wednesday, and 40 people are coming into town to partner together in a weekend full of service projects for the second time since I've moved in. I realized that most of those things don't sound difficult at all, but they have been prominent in that my relationship with God has been brought to the forefront of my mind.

In having the opportunity to look closely at my relationship with God, one very important thing became apparent: My perspective is perverted. I don't come close to seeing myself the way that God sees me. I also don't see my friends and family the way that God sees them, or my community the way that God sees it, or my priorities, and the list could go on and on. Every distortion impacts other distortions until we are caught up in one big frightening and confused mess. One thing is clear to me; God's perspective is always clear, always true, and always good. Man do I want his vision!

Three things stood out to me recently that speak directly to the dichotomy between the Lord's perspective and my own.

1. I've been very sick recently. In renegotiating what it means to engage life as a chronically sick person I've become extraordinarily discouraged. The only way to fight the discouragement is to remind myself that my value comes from God alone. My life may never follow the timeline of my peers. My life may never get on track with the trajectory of good job, family, house, comfy retirement, grandkids, but even in the days when I am curled on my couch unable to meet my obligations I have just as much value as I do when I am meeting goals and achieving success. I have incredible value in the eyes of the Lord even when I am worthless in the eyes of the world.

Another reminder that drove this home is that this weekend I am serving in Philadelphia with a number of dear friends as well as people I have never met. The idea of serving in Philly has caught on and spread and nearly 40 people will be out serving for two days. This entire trip was planned in 2 months and for most of that time I was either sick or swamped with schoolwork. I had a wonderful partner helping with the planning, but even with her help it is so easy to see that God handed this trip to us. The planning was so easy, the logistics fell easily into place and all of that was possible even though I spent most of that time negotiating illness.

2. While I was in L.A. I had the opportunity to spend a lazy morning on the beach. Nothing moves me to praise God more than his creation. What stuck out to me that was incredible that I was moving more in line with God's will on that beach than I ever would have been in the Penn library. I was more in line with God's will when I was stopping to rest and praise God than I ever would have been if I had been striving toward any goal of worldly success. I know that my God values hard work and discipline, but it pales in comparison to what we were made for which is to worship and glorify God.

3. On the plane ride from L.A. to Denver, the scenery was remarkable. The view goes from clear Blue Ocean, to lush, green, sunny valley, to snow-capped mountains, to dry and empty desert. What was clear to me on that plane was that the Lord values the desert just as much as the green and sunny valley. In fact, he values desert so much that he sent his chosen people to wander in a desert for 40 years. While I might chalk that up as a waste of time, that is not the Lord's perspective. He sees value and beauty in what seems to me like a dry, empty, valueless space.

As I go into this weekend with others who are serving alongside me, my prayer is for God's perspective toward myself, others, my community, and my life. I pray that each of us would strive to assume that perspective this weekend. It is also my prayer that as we walk into neighborhoods and homes that we would be aware of the deserts of Philadelphia, but see those deserts with the eyes of the Lord.